FUNNIES



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Postby Dixie » Mon Dec 17, 2007 11:51 am

Paddy goes to the Scrapyard

Paddy: "Would you happen to have a bonnet for a Mark 3 Cortina sor ?"
ScrapMan: "Yes, we've got a blue one"

Paddy: "and how much would it be ?"

Scrapman: "It's £30 to you mate"

Paddy: "TURTY POUNDS !!! Why..I went to Johnsons scrapyard round the corner and dey only wanted Twenty pounds !!!"

Scrapman: "Well why didn't you buy one off him"

Paddy: "Cos he didn't have any"

Scrapman (now getting exasperated): "Well...when WE haven't got any they're £20 too"

Paddy: "Great....I'll come back when you've got none"
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Postby wildrose » Mon Dec 17, 2007 2:49 pm

:rofl3: :wink:
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for trek fans

Postby RAM ACE » Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:47 pm

Star Trek
The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket. Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"
As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.
"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
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Postby lo&m » Sun Jan 27, 2008 12:08 am

Heard today ...

What's black and white and very thin ?

Heath Ledger's cat.
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Postby wildrose » Sun Jan 27, 2008 10:27 am

parden my ignorance but who is Heath Ledger please?
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ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

Postby wildrose » Sun Jan 27, 2008 5:30 pm

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
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Postby lo&m » Sun Jan 27, 2008 6:21 pm

wildrose wrote:parden my ignorance but who is Heath Ledger please?


Ledger is, or rather , was, an Australian actor who was doing quite well in hollywood. His biggest role was as one of the main characters in Brokeback Mountain, the gay cowboy movie.

He was found dead in his New York apartment on Wednesday. Apparently it was drug-related.
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Postby Dixie » Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:03 am

What's black and white and very thin ?

Heath Ledger's cat.


:rofl3:
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Postby lo&m » Mon Jan 28, 2008 4:37 pm

The cowboy sense of humour is alive and well.

Image
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grandmas don't know everything

Postby wildrose » Wed Jan 30, 2008 9:21 pm

grandmas don't know everything

Little Jacob was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside

With the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on

Top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Jacob said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called

Sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jackie's mom wants to talk to you."
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Postby lo&m » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:01 pm

Please dont read this if easily offended.


The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians and

the Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great
Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the Lone Ranger, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "So what is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING BACK A POSSE".
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Postby lo&m » Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:59 pm

A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !"
"Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
"I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"
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Postby lo&m » Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:05 pm

On Crimewatch today ...

Whilst running away from a crime a thief fell into some wet cement ...
He became a hardened criminal.

He had stolen a lot of dog walking equipment ...
The police had no leads.

Then he fell down a hole in the road ...
Police are looking into it.

In other news ...

A dwarf clairvoyent has broken out of prison ...
Police are looking for a small medium at large.

And finally ...

A 6' 7" thief and a midget have stolen a lorry load of hairbrushes ...
Police are combing the area, searching high and low.
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Postby lo&m » Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:26 pm

Went for a curry last night. I had a chicken tarka masala. It's like a chicken tikka masala only a little otter.

---------------

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics & homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted
"He's behind you"

--------------------


An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says "Is this some sort of joke...?"

---------------------

The Pope comes in one day and says to his cardinals: "It seems the Jews have challenged us to golf." The cardinals protest that they're no good at golf, and say: "Why don't we ask Jack Nicklaus to become an honorary cardinal, then he can play for the Vatican?" So Jack Nicklaus goes out and plays the game, and comes back with his head in his hands. "What's wrong?" the Pope asked. "Well, it was OK at the start," said Nicklaus. "But did you ever hear of Rabbi Tiger Woods?"

------------------

You look at a field of cows. How can you tell which is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.

----------------------

What are three fish beginning and ending with the letter 'K'?
Killer shark
Kwiksave boil-in-the-bag smoked haddock
Kilmarnock (which is a small plaice in Scotland)

--------------------

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you bugger off? I'm trying to have a sh*t"

-------------------------

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger".

---------------------

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after
playing in the playground during their break time.


The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing
this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'
Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I
will give you a biscuit' Becky duly goes and writes's 'sand' on the
blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your
playtime?'
Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I
will also give you a biscuit' Freddie duly goes and writes 'box' on the
blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box
with Becky and Freddie?' 'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they
would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like
blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell
'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit…..

-------------------

How did the suicidal, dyslexic wildebeest kill itself ?

Shot himself with a gnu.
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
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Postby Dixie » Thu May 01, 2008 9:02 am

Q: What runs, jumps, grunts and climbs trees ?

A: A kangorillapig
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